SAD CLOWN

This is good-bye, to everyone, and everything. I want to commit suicide, but I won't. There's no need for that. Time takes care of that. I lost the only person I really wanted in my life, now my heart has grown completely cold. Frozen. I can't feel nothing but hurt, and people have become a constant reminder of kryptonite. I can't breathe.

The only thing I can hope for is the relief of loneliness. My loneliness has become a comfort. I just want to dwell away in solitude and never to have my life touched by anyone ever again. I will cry out to GOD for either death or life, and I will face my sentence, and whatever the verdict is, I will accept it. Maybe I will come out of the clouds one day and into the sunlight with the sun of life on my skin once again to be redeemed?

I'm relieved that it is over. I had a dream about this end. That I finally accept walking away. And I can breathe again, knowing this was meant to be. And that I have done the right thing. It's the perfect ending. The SAD CLOWN  The ending of the chapter. The last page is golden.

Good-Bye!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

ALL I WANT TO DO IS DO GOOD

It is 12:29 AM - 10/13/2016.
I am a little wired right now,
I am working on quitting seroquel,
quitting caffeine,
and I am exhausted but motivated.
I was going to go to an industry event tonight,
to try to network, and be part of a creative community.
But my anxiety shot through the roof,
as I researched about my anxiety disorder; hyperhidrosis; my hypothesis findings were that of an abrunted nature of excuse that my anxiety all these years has been due to an excess accumulation(ok, I'll stop talking like Agent. Dana Scully from The X-Files, but that is what happens when I watch fiction, my thoughts take on the voice of characters). But no joke, I did find out in the episode, "Aubrey", that an excess of acetylcholine will cause a psychotic state that is similar to schizophrenia but hyperhidrosis disorder has an excessive amount of acetylcholine neurotransmitter. And caffeine increases that, so I am fighting to replace caffeine with chamomile, and I've learned, through my very own test trials, that psychiatric medications that lower our neurotransmitters do so by destroying them=very dangerous ball game, but the flip-side here is that increased acetylcholine increases intelligence, but at the expense OF YOUR SANITY :(

I'm going on 3 days off of seroquel, and it is a ride, but a ride is better than no ride.

How am I not INSANE enough to succeed on social media?
I am feeling a wave of motivation on the rise.
I am about to go HARD on this internet.
This cycle of masturbation, porn, substance abuse around every two to four weeks because my chemicals and anxiety is so high that I completely lose my mind, and self medicate with dextromethorphan or wellbutrin, and this brutal cycle of destruction resets my chemicals, but completely destroys my life, and now I have a complete/clear understanding of this. I am breaking this compulsive cycle and getting off the caffeine and seroquel, that cycle, every day, has my head spinning, I can not take it any more. So I will treat all this disorder with chamomile, I have embraced solitude to take the pressure off and lower my stress levels/stress hormones, and feel I have come a long way on the path to stability.

And all this is so hard to admit,
but they say the truth shall set you free,
and this truth really hurts,
but in this world there is so much worse,
at least my harsh truth only involved destroying my self.

Compulsions(against your will)are hard to break!

I battled my demons for a long time.
I feel the battle is finally won,
and maybe this PAIN?

This is goodbye
I am too tired for this
Goodbye