It is 12:29 AM - 10/13/2016. I am a little wired right now, I am working on quitting seroquel, quitting caffeine, and I am exhausted but motivated. I was going to go to an industry event tonight, to try to network, and be part of a creative community. But my anxiety shot through the roof, as I researched about my anxiety disorder; hyperhidrosis; my hypothesis findings were that of an abrunted nature of excuse that my anxiety all these years has been due to an excess accumulation(ok, I'll stop talking like Agent. Dana Scully from The X-Files, but that is what happens when I watch fiction, my thoughts take on the voice of characters). But no joke, I did find out in the episode, "Aubrey", that an excess of acetylcholine will cause a psychotic state that is similar to schizophrenia but hyperhidrosis disorder has an excessive amount of acetylcholine neurotransmitter. And caffeine increases that, so I am fighting to replace caffeine with chamomile, and I've learned, through my very own test trials, that psychiatric medications that lower our neurotransmitters do so by destroying them=very dangerous ball game, but the flip-side here is that increased acetylcholine increases intelligence, but at the expense OF YOUR SANITY :(
I'm going on 3 days off of seroquel, and it is a ride, but a ride is better than no ride.
How am I not INSANE enough to succeed on social media? I am feeling a wave of motivation on the rise. I am about to go HARD on this internet. This cycle of masturbation, porn, substance abuse around every two to four weeks because my chemicals and anxiety is so high that I completely lose my mind, and self medicate with dextromethorphan or wellbutrin, and this brutal cycle of destruction resets my chemicals, but completely destroys my life, and now I have a complete/clear understanding of this. I am breaking this compulsive cycle and getting off the caffeine and seroquel, that cycle, every day, has my head spinning, I can not take it any more. So I will treat all this disorder with chamomile, I have embraced solitude to take the pressure off and lower my stress levels/stress hormones, and feel I have come a long way on the path to stability.
And all this is so hard to admit, but they say the truth shall set you free, and this truth really hurts, but in this world there is so much worse, at least my harsh truth only involved destroying my self.
Compulsions(against your will)are hard to break!
I battled my demons for a long time. I feel the battle is finally won, and maybe this PAIN?
The only way I can say hello, is to say, goodbye. To renounce everything, and live for the end, is the only way to begin. Cause it cuts like a knife! They cut... and they cut? and they cut? Just let the wounds bleed, and fully open, and take you; away. I've waited so long to finally meet you. To overcome my demons. They were vicious and tried to keep me from you; *GOD* *Oh GOD*, they did not prevail, but you did. THANK YOU! and now I let it all drift away, float away, an everlasting goodbye worth a thousand words to infinity. I will meet you on the other side.
missing you, - every second, - of every moment, - I can't help it. thinking about you, - every moment, - in every second, - I own it, - I can't control it. you've engrossed me. leaving me, - enchanted. leaving me, - captivated. I've never seen beauty like you and I don't know what to do? - I CAN'T - I CAN'T - I CAN'T, , and I pant. , - but I want' to give you everything. , - be your everything,... ...but I can't... I'm filled with the longing to see you again and I can not wait, but I do. To see you again means everything to me, so I will do better, that I can do. But seeing too much of you and I might faint. Too much of you and I feel my heart might explode, I can't tolerate too much of you, when my heart feels that it is going to pound out of my chest or I am going to have a heart attack when I am thinking about you before falling asleep, and sometimes waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest because I fell into a trance that you were there with me, and I have to catch my breath and breathe slowly and calm my heart beat down, that is, LOVE! - I CAN'T - I CAN'T - I CAN'T, , and I pant.
You Collect People You're More Insane Than I Am I Don't Know What That Means, But It's True. I Was Just A Number In A Part Of Your Sick Collection, I Never Meant Anything To You, And Now I've Been Discarded. Mind Bending: You Make People Desire You You Feed Off Of Our Desires For You You Manipulate Me, And Left Me More Broken Then Ever Before. You Own A Circus Full Of Freaks, But You're The Real Freak Show, {...and that makes me want you soo bad...} I Can't Believe I Didn't See It That I Let You Over Power Me That I Opened Up To You, And Tried To Let You In, But You'll Never See The Real Me, As I'll Never See The Real You. And This Is Just A Part Of Thee Illusion That I See Naked Under The Skin Behind The Mask Flabbergasted: But No More Alas, I See What You Are, But Still Don't Know What You Are? Baffled: You Are Beauty!, But You Made My Heart And Mind Feel HORROR, And Have Left My Soul DEVASTATED. You SHATTERED Me and Left Me Without A Broom-, I Can Only Hope That My Love Blogs Put Me At The Top Of Your Twisted Collection, But You Have Now Lost This Piece, You Will Never Own Me Again, And No One Will Ever Know What I Am Talking About. Boggled: These Segmented Fragmentations Are More Truth Than I Will Ever Know About You; TOUCHE: We Are Both Alike In That way These Separated Statements Are More Real Than You, Because You Will Never Let Any Body Know What You really Are, And That Is Sad, And You Will Not Let Me Know? And I Am Running Like The Wind Far Away. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
