I WISH?(MAD LOVE BLOG?)

I really want to express my love for somebody
Completely clearly
and beautifully
and I know
that this person will probably not see this
and it's probably very highly unlikely that we would ever be together
trapped between a rock and a hard place
being pulled in two directions
the one direction
to take a leap of faith
and leave love entirely in GODS HANDS
and the other
knowing that as human beings
we are not helpless and powerless beings
that we can choose for ourselves
that we have the free will of choice
which tells me
from my heart and soul
not to give up on you
but it is also not right
you are not available
you are taken
which makes me feel like a terrible person
but not
because this is about SOUL MATE LOVE?
ETERNAL LOVE?
which no one
or nothing
could ever stand in the way of
TRUE LOVE
written in the stars
so am I really wrong
when your soul makes me feel something 
that I never felt 
that soul energy like this
from anybody before
that soul energy that I feel I would
die for
kill for
go up against GOD for?
should I just let that go?
and just let you slip away?
without even trying?
or fighting for you?
because of a moral principle
that says it is the wrong thing to do?
Well here is a birthday present for you
because I can not give you a gift
because that would supposedly be wrong
but I bet nobody has ever written a blog for you
and I have written many in honor of you
you are the one woman on this planet
I would bow down and kiss your feet
kiss your ass
WORSHIP YOU!!!
MY GODDESS!!!!!!
MY ONE TRUE QUEEN!!!!!!!
IF YOU WOULD JUST ALLOW ME TO BE YOUR KING!!!!!!!
I WILL CONQUER FOR YOU ;)
The most beautiful woman in the UNIVERSE!

and if you can't love me,
or don't,
then that is ok,
I am warrior tough,
and love has slipped away,
and devotion was not accepted,
or desired...
free spirit, I accept my fate.

I will express my love LONG
I really hope this warms your heart
and makes your heart beat as fast as mine does
when I think of you

no matter what; You are an ANGEL

THEY SAY TRUE LOVE IS A MYSTERY?????

Lady Gaga Inspiration/Motivation/Confidence
#Aries nobody believed in her, now look.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?(I'M LOST)

I feel so lost?????
So much pressure that I can't get what I need$$$$$$$
cause I need camera, music studio, computer, video editing software.
You know, all creative things,
I'd love to paint,
open up the windows, go crazy on some canvas,
like a form of faithful meditation?

I'm ready to commit the rest of my life to life documentary?
(someone just said to me that they are sadistic, and sarcastic, and I thought how poetic that is, you are a sarcastic sadistic, a double edged sword.)with a respect that, I choose to follow GOD and a life of faith, but I am not going to judge or persecute a way that another fellow human chooses to be sadistic, but I plan on destroying hell one day, so it won't really matter.

I'm really thinking of taking this commitment of documenting the rest of my life, even with this crummy camera.
(I can't believe someone just tried to ask me if I smoke marijuana, like I'm going to be tempted, like we're going to meet up, get high, have meaningless sex, or something, over my dead body)
NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

sometime's i feel like shouting at people STOP GETTING INTO RELATIONSHIPS(or involved), THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, i see this everywhere i go.

It is bold to go back for round two of documenting my life, of course not ever breaking anyone's confidentiality, I always vlogged as a loner.
But to commit to documenting the rest of my life, NO MATTER WHAT!

I started to write this feeling so lost, and sad, but then I felt a wave come over me from GOD knowing that it is time for me to get back to life documentary, which is such a relief, because I have been battling with my creative self, staying the course of following my intuition.

I am totally Lady Gaga Inspired this week

VANISHING SILENCE?

Sometimes standing alone means, not having a desire to effect peoples lives negatively, a level of detachment allows you to help people in a positive light without intruding on their freedom, and vice versa .

The Last Dissociation takes place;
Clarity Of Life Mission;
Path Becomes Clear;
Unable to ever interact again;
Mars comes into alignment;
40 Dayz and 40 Nightz begins;
Lessons Learned;
Undoing;
4th Of July;
Independence;
*VICTORY*;
POOF?

0? READY TO DIE(THIS IS THE DAY THAT IT ENDS)REPENTANCE ENDING

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I finally feel I have let go of EVERYTHING
No more desire for LOVE
No more TEMPTATIONS
I don't want anything
I want to leave this wretched place
But as ready as I am to DIE
And as tired I am of this LIFE
I also feel ready to LIVE
If the opportunity presents itself?

I'm sick of the DEATH
I'm sick of the SUFFERING
I'm sick of the VIOLENCE
the POISON
the CORRUPTION 
the PAIN
the STRUGGLE
PEOPLE
making things WORSE
making it HARDER
to even SURVIVE
the promotion of ILLNESS
the POLITICS
the NEWS
the MEDIA
promoting SIN
EVERYTHING

there could be so much BEAUTY
but there's so much HORROR
and it makes you feel so DEAD INSIDE
that the only option of LIFE becomes DEATH
(but never give up HOPE - but LET GO and SURRENDER to GOD)

LOVE has been the worst desire for me,
desiring LOVE has been a plague to my HEART,
and after this final fall,
there is nothing left of my HEART

Not that someone broke my heart,
or anything,
I just fell in love with someone,
the passed five months,
that I realize I could never be with,
and that hurts.
but she's an ANGEL.
but still my heart is broken beyond repair. 

I'm facing the hard truth that I am too broken to ever have LOVE.

I will feel relieved when I am far away from this as possible.

This is my own way of LETTING GO
not caring what anyone thinks of me
my own way of being BOLD
and saying that I am DONE

This doesn't mean,
read this,
feel bad for me,
and try to give me LOVE.
This means,
leave me alone,
I understand the path that I must walk,
and it is a LONELY path.

REPENTANCE: Repentance, which literally means to turn, is the activity of reviewing one's actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs. It generally involves a commitment to personal change and the resolve to live a more responsible and humane life.

BREAK ALL HUMAN DESIRES AND TEMPTATIONS(life long journey)

I think, you can end up at a place where all these things have caused you so much pain, you just want as far away from them all as humanly possible, you become, ready to die.

Let's just first touch on the biggest human desire of all; LOVE?

And then, what happens, is because you can't fill this void, and you're living LOVELESS your entire life, you have this void that can absolutely not be filled, and then this desire crumbles inward into a temptation of, lust, being horny, and sexual feelings, without you even realizing what is happening, that you are not a bad person, but between, anxiety, stress, tension, pressures of life, life struggles, pain, fear, loss, heart break from all around life and the violence and suffering in the world, and all these stress hormones and cortisol, and you end up in this place, this mind state, where you just want to escape, and there you have it, you are not a bad person at all, this is more on the lines of, "just where the cookie crumbles". So how do you overcome these weaknesses? 

So you need to learn how to meditate and pray the pain away.

I can start off by saying.
LOVE is great!
LOVE is phenomenal!
Even though I have never gotten to taste it,
I mean,
I'm not stupid,
I'm not here telling you to give up on love,
but if you are as broken as me,
as complicated mentally as I am,
come on,
I mean,
there is no shot in hell that a freak like me could ever have LOVE.
or really be loved in the right way,
It's time for me to end, and let go, of this desire.
It is just causing me complete and total utter agony,
and shooting my self in the foot,
over, and over, again.

So we're really touching base on LOVE
Everything else is just=BLAH
(what a tangled web love could be?)
(sometimes it really doesn't feel worth the risk?)

SO I SAY GOODBYE TO LOVE!
I will never attempt to LOVE
Do not try to LOVE me because the answer will be NO
I will tell you to GO AWAY 
and leave me ALONE
Plus I threatened Lucifer,
there is no turning back from that,
this lonely road,
that I am destined to walk,
I can not put someones life in danger.

This has been the most agonizing burden of all

SO ANGRY(AND SAD)
ABOUT(LIFE)

"I think once you overcome the desire for love there is nothing left to desire?" ~ BLUR(quotes)