There's not much to say right now. Except for the truth? That I am a mess, But also more together than I have been in a long time. For this 10 day psych evaluation, I have to drink a lot of caffeine, and need my pure nutrition, because I am so emotionally exhausted, and tensed, and stressed, and then at night I have to take a 100mg of seroquel, which I really hate my self for. :( But I am happy I am having fun. Which is a HUGE improvement compared to how I was, psychologically in the past. I've fallen into the realm of complete acceptance of my existence, that I am an eternal being, and that things are going to be ok no matter what. GOD IS ON MY SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really don't feel like saying anything I feel like disappearing like a GHOST Until this DESTINY begins I'm tired of waiting around
I'm so BORED I need some EXCITEMENT THRILL I don't think I'm going to continue this blog It's a recurring theme That I start a blog series Usually for something so boring That I'm telling my self is a change But is actually one in the same Boring existence I like starting blogs and not finishing them? LET IT BEGIN(GOD) :(
(1 AM)I am going to try to do some video documentation, and blog documentation, if I can keep up, I'm pretty much mentally and emotionally behind right now, where I am suppose to be to do any of this, but I just might make the grade(barely), or who knows, we'll see? First off, I have a really hard time being or dressing like anyone else besides, ME! That's a huge problem for me. It's self degrading. Self-Deprecating :D I hate the word 'eccentric' but at this point, I would rather walk around in life as a powerful public figure, like someone like Andy Warhol or something, where I can be and look however I feel like being, and become so powerful that it's the rest of the world that has to be walking on thin ice around me, watch how they are around me, cause your job might be at stake, let's see how you like the tables turned, and I would just want everyone to be able to be themself, not have to change who they are on the likes of me. So I have to go, and dress how they want me to dress, or I might go there for nothing, not get approved, and basically have my self-esteem and confidence trampled over, that's all. Overwhelmed but so NUMB (1:45 AM - Well, there you have it? A moth in my tea kettle(glass tea pot), dead(or alive?). I am BEYOND freaked out, broken, and traumatized right now. Because I am suppose to be 'on call' ready at all times to jump into complete focused action to save a life. But my numbskull brains first instinct was to dump the water out into the sink, and then try to save the moth, dry the moth, and nurse it back to health, but the moth fell down the drain pipe, then I'm sitting there with a flashlight and a long cooking toothpick trying to get em out, but the moth must've been dead? But an even bigger question lingers on my brain? "Was that moth in the tea kettle(glass tea pot)when I made my first cup of tea?" "DID I DRINK MOTH TEA WATER????????")(drowning is a horrible way to die. Poor fellah :( ) I'm pretty certain I always turn on the stove light every time I pour my tea water? You notice I said, "pretty" certain? Oh Brother! Gee, I'd say first morning of this psych evaluation going "pretty" good so far, I'm sane as a cucumber.
So I go out to the car at 7:30 AM in the morning, and the tire is flat(I don't think it was entirely flat, and car is small, so I drove it to the gas station to put air in the tire). And then, I had to drive 35 miles to the first day of orientation, and traffic like CRAZY, but how would I know that, I never worked before? I stop at another gas station, to..., well..., get gas... And check the tire. But I pull into pump number 2, and this narcissist dude is scurrying around like a LUNATIC, and he is pulled into pump 1, but happened to tell the guy, 'pump 2'. So this "narcissist" guy is so inconsiderate, and unempathetic, like he is the only human being in the universe, and goes to pull my pump from pump 2, to his pump 1, couldn't even reach, so he had to pull his car up but really he could've just told the guy to void it out and price it on his pump instead of wasting another 10 minutes when I'm already running late. And the traffic was so bad, this woman in a truck must have lost it, and rode on the sidelines going over bumps and puddles like she was in the Kentucky Derby or something(funny). But I mad it there by the, 'skin of my teeth'(whatever that means?).
Day 1 was very FUN! And the climax of the day was that we did this meditation at the end and the speaker/counselor took us on this meditative journey where we ascended(eyes closed)into new heights of the heavens, and I got crazy goosebumps, and we ended in this lake where the canoe ended up at a persons feet(for me, a special woman?). And from what the speaker said, this person said, "There is nothing to fear BLUR. I am your Guardian Angel." - So this first day was so much FUN. Try to have FUN in your existence!!!
I feel this is a time I need to really be laying, 'low-key'? Because life is really beating me down? Reserved Hidden Away Withdrawn I Can't Keep Up? I'm learning about, 'Rebuilding Your DNA'? Building New DNA? As crazy as that may sound if you've never heard of this. But after everything I've been thru, I never really took the time, to heal. I just want to rest, in my dark room, in my bed, curled up into a dark ball of drowning emotion, depressed, gripping my cross, praying to GOD, so hard, fading away.
I'm really, -TORN-, and I just want to stay away from people. It hurts me when anyone comes near me. Do not come close. For I am that, -WOUNDED-. And the only relief, is the desire to die, because then there is nothing left to fear you can't hurt me, then. -SHATTERED-. Heart=,-DISINTEGRATED-. -EVAPORATED HEART-.
SOUL dying to burst out of this machine, And the well of tears has run dry... Dehydrated... Emotional pain has sucked up my ability to feel... The only feel left is agony... And despair... unable to EXPRESS None of what I say is how I truly feel because I feel it all. Unable to hone in on any root cause. Or certainty of my true feelings. I feel all of this, but I can not find the center piece? A truly LOST SOUL begging to DIE bleeding of false HOPE OOZING with hopelessness hungry to LIVE but I'm afraid the only way to find my soul is to DIE
It seems the time of my end draws near, but I could never really tell? But I guess I will try again, until my dying day.
So Angry At Industry: Because, us, our parents, our grandparents, our children, family, friends, we are all suffering from the sickness slowly and more extremely passed on from our environment, that these multi-million, billionaire "money is the root of all evil", selfish unempathetic soulless humans of greed, while they live in luxury in their mansions with purified air, and purified water, and the best healthcare and doctors on call, and we're sitting here suffering from the environmental pollution, where a young healthy lad like me has to fly up to the store at 4 am in the morning to get an energy drink, for caffeine, with a sinus headache cause I'm clogged up from the environment, and would rather drink caffeine than take headache pills, when my gut instinct tells me, "this is environmental"=YEAH=MENTAL is right! THEY DON'T CARE! And most people will go about their lives thinking this is normal. (ok, so I ranted a bit, but today is not a good day of discipline, but I will keep drinking as little caffeine as possible, i'm really just at the end of my rope with these environmental factors. And we're really lucky here in new York, can you imagine the agony in China, that devil run government, what they put those poor people through, they have to wear filtration masks cause of the environment.) But I have three days to really get my self together(and I am together)before I begin an awesome excitingly 10 day psychiatric evaluation for schooling, but early morning caffeine will not effect my sleep, cause when I been laying down in bed, thinking about the woman I love, is so sedating, I fall into a trance lately, and fall asleep so easily. I may be delusional and in fantasy land, but something so positive, to have a woman in my life that is the most special woman on the planet to me, and inspires me so much to be the best version of me, I feel so blessed because a void of emptiness has been filled, even though we can not be together, I really feel together in spirit. And am ready to conquer the world, for her. But even though today is not a good day, caffeine wise(I drink caffeine like Constantine drinks cough suppressant),I will still remain very disciplined, I have gotten to this new magical place, called; "EMOTIONAL DISCIPLINE". It's a beautiful place where you are so strong emotionally that you have now gained almost complete disciplined control over your emotions. I don't feel, angry/lustful/violent/fearful, I feel completely at *PEACE*(inner peace) Fear was my word of the day today, because I feel completely liberated because I expressed on the internet my plans to defeat Lucifer, and that takes some real guts. it's like I'm waiting for a wave of attack to come my way, but I *TRUST GOD* that much, that I am not afraid, not one bit.
Today is simple, I am cutting down to two cups of tea(8 tea bags)today, NO, you don't understand, I am a caffeine addict, caffeine is my medicine, my drug, my escape right now, from complete utter emotional exhaustion, and so I have to face this emotional exhaustion, reality?
And I wake up this morning realizing, that I have somebody in my life, that I feel is the most special woman in the world, and that is; PRICELESS!
And I'm drinking honey to help quit caffeine, as I lower tea bags every day, and honey is the, 'super-power-food', of, *PROCREATION*, so how I ended up here, is mind boggling, maybe will bring us, *SOUL MATES*, closer together?
And so, a new *DEVOTION* is born? But I am on the verge of becoming a; *WARRIOR*(OF GOD) And so I am breaking off my machine, closing my body down, as a person who has an opposite brain, maybe pleasure has been nothing but painful to me?(FAITH) And my *PAIN* is my true pleasure? And that is, SICK. There doesn't seem to be any other option. I am cutting off eating any pleasurable foods. I am planning on not taking any seroquel(psych medication)over the next 18 days, and I am off from my mental illness recovery program for the next 18 days because I have a 10 day psych evaluation for schooling, to go to college for the first time, and recover from mental illness, is, ELITE! That's all folks! Oh, and I will lift weights every morning for the next 18 days, do film, video, vlogumentary, comedic, life documentary, too.
I figured I should put this out there, as, a couple years ago, I had this experience with GOD, where GOD taught me about; *The Knowledge OF Procreation*. Just think, if there was a formula, formulation, equation, to follow, to *procreate*, gorgeous, super-intelligent, pure, higher beings, *CHILDREN OF GOD*? This formulation I am about to tell you, is, ELITE! First off, you have to be living a *PURE* life, as much so as humanly possible. Second, you have to leave love in GODS HANDS, so as to find your actual *SOUL MATE*. No medications, over the counter medications, birth control, processed foods. Nothing impure! I would stay abstinent and celibate, too. The purer you can be, the better! After you have found your *SOUL MATE*, you two have to be committed to living a pure life, and putting only pure things in you body, treating your bodies as temples. Focus on being in your prime; health-wise, intelligence wise, strength wise, *FAITH WISE* POTENT. *The Procreation Trinity*, is that while you are making love, with your *SOUL MATE, there is a, *Trinity Of Fusion*, is the KEY. The pique FIRST fusion, is that, GOD IS RUNNING THROUGH YOU BOTH, GOD is present, GOD is with you both, running through your entire beings, that is the first fusion, the second fusion, is your both spirit beings fusion, that both of you *SOUL MATES* spiritual beings are fusing, entwining together, being as one, together, and the third fusion, is the physiological, biological fusion, ORGASMIC FUSION, where you must reach orgasmic piques together at the same time, fusing together, this trinity, must have these three parts running through the entire time. =CHILDREN OF GOD! (this is your best bet) (not that I've done this) (I'm sure this is very complicated) (seems simple enough to me, to understand) (good luck) (and) (GOD BLESS!) BUT THERE'S MORE?????????????????????????? GOD running through me at the time, taught me about, *THE HONEY BEE'S*, higher intelligent masters of procreation, they pollenize the entire planet, bringing about new life every Spring and Summer, seasonal cycles. And honey is golden color. Honey is one of my favorite power foods, it's the color of gold, and supposedly the one food that never goes bad, so I call it, "The Powerfood Of procreation"(and natural highs). And bee's are so GODLY they even have a Queen that they worship? How cool is that? Good Luck! ~ BLUR p.s. and I just had the sickest afterthought, it really is all so poetic, and so GODLY, I was listening to the, "Tears For Fears" song, "Sowing The Seeds Of Love", and the lyrics say, "The Birds And The Bees", which had me thinking, "Why do they call it the birds and the bees?", and then, thought, "The bees pollenate the earth, bringing fourth new life, and then THE BIRDS SING ABOUT THAT NEW LIFE"=HOW POETIC IS THAT?
