I relate to the INSECTS I relate to the ANIMALS I relate to the PLANTS to the MICROSCOPIC to all of us beings that are MORTAL I can't wait to leave this place, and ascend to a higher being, after I slay lucifer, and defeat hell, when I make it to a higher being, I am going to slay all evil, and be *GODS* number one, EVIL SLAYER! I WILL SLAY THEM ALL! (all who set out to harm *US*) (the ones who are fighting for survival) (We are given life without answers?) (all of us?) (and for that I am;) (OUTRAGED!) We fight so hard!
LOVE? It's Science It's Physiological You better make it SPIRITUAL it's MADDENING (when your soul is ready - your SOUL MATE will arrive - and you will not be able to resist each other because it as undeniable as getting struck by a lightening bolt, but do not haste! allow your souls to intertwine and communicate and flicker around like two butterflies in the night moonlit sky)
I JUST FEEL THE AURA OF LOVE IN THE AIR TODAY, IS THAT SO WRONG?
Love People! Receive That Love! Live And Let Live! Unconditionally! Let Go, And Let GOD!
LOVE IS IN THE AIR, AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS BREATH
(i'm sure i know you? but it's all a BLUR?)
I might not be able to write a song for you, but only you know, THIS IS FOR YOU
What a beautiful night I'm trying to grasp this feeling as I worry it is slipping away, I have to let it go Sometimes I just feel the energy of LOVE It's the most calming ANXIETY It has lowered my anxiety; OXYTOCIN(Love Hormone). And I hope one day someone will find my mystery writing, and wonder, "What was this person writing about? - Or Who?" =The World May NEVER KNOW? Maybe I am talking in general, maybe not? Maybe I just love writing about love? Now that I know how the feeling of *LOVE* can lower anxiety, I am eager to yearn to learn about the processes of this hormone on the BRAIN? How does this play a role in DEPRESSION? ANXIETY? Mental Illness?
I just had a day where I felt *LOVE*, that *LOVE* energy in the air, and as I let it go, as it drifts away like a birthday balloon of innocence to the sky on a miraculous summer day, I feel I've matured to understand how pure it is to let the wave of love RUSH IN and sadly, but acceptingly, rush out.
People care about me, and I to them. GOD LOVES ME, AND I LOVE GOD WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING. There is many forms of *LOVE*. But we all *NEED**LOVE*. ~ BLUR
(I'm freaking out as I'm watching this video there is a photo from the movie from the first video in here? I am onn the right frequency) I just really hope I learned my lesson, that how pure these emotions are, and you 'live and let live', and LOVE GOD, and GOD will give you this OXYTOCIN, but *LOVE* people unconditionally, do not expect things from anyone, be kind and *LOVE* *PEOPLE*.(and sadly, lots of times you have to; Let-Go)And Trust GOD!
A WHITE RABBIT CROSSED MY PATH????? I never had a white rabbit cross my path I had black cats cross my path while driving so many times But never a white rabbit And it gave me a really great feeling that this is when everything changes I seen family today And they had a tea cup that I used which was a white rabbit And they had salt shakers And it gave me a good feeling as I said "Haven't you ever heard FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT?" WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS?
I finally know what I must do? Sometimes we are; damned if we do, damned if we don't. But need to realize which is the worst damning? Self-Sacrifice is *ESSENTIAL*;
On my *REBIRTHDAY*, my entire brain chemistry changed. This is why I will look so different now, with my style and everything will be more wild because I have come UNHINGED creatively. UNLEASHED finally!
The *REBIRTH* process is in full effect, and be *PLUGGED-IN* to GOD, plus CREATIVITY, and also I've been going through extreme feelings of LOVE. Like I feel my *SOUL MATE*'s energy, or something?
Or just a little taste of the IMAGINATION of what LOVE feels like, has EMPOWERED me.
But the way my chemistry in my brain has changed, was all the crazy planning of this mission impossible of striving to be a perfect symbol of obedience and discipline, to GOD, I tried to go vegan, and even bought vegan protein shakes, but when I went home from the program, everything changed? I went to drink the vegan protein shake and felt like such a wimp. And then I went to make some decaf tea and used milk, not realizing I was suppose to buy soy milk, so I took a sip, and just started CRACKING UP HYSTERICALLY, with GOD. {THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE DOING ALL THIS STUFF=I NEED TO LET GO OF ALL THESE THINGS AND BE CREATIVELY UNHINGED AND *PLUGGED-IN* TO GOD 24/7} THAT"S how my brain chemistry all of a sudden changed. These obsessions don't exist within my anymore :) and when I went I also went HATLESS as a fearless overcomence of anxiety about the way I look, but in reality, right now, I don't feel that my haircut is very styling. It's very boring, and unanimated, and I look HORRORble on camera.
Then on Friday night, the day/night of this REBIRTHDAY I was overcome with harsh sadness, as I prayed to GOD so INTENSELY that, "Please GOD give me something to do, some move to make, I feel so powerless and uninspired, and bored. Please GOD I need some excitement, or some hope".
And as I was laying in bed, a HUMONGOUS spark of inspiration came over me to learn Spanish. That my mad scientist theory about learning a language and making your racing thoughts come out in that language, that your brain would be trained *AMBIDEXTROUS*(which is so important), but my theory was proven correct, and then my mad scientist plan is to use the left side brain learning Spanish, but through music and making music, which I am getting music studio, video editing software, and recording software next month, but also *ANGEL MOM*, buying me flipscreen camera and memory for my laptop, and that this creativity will cause these crazy new connections in my brain.
MAD SCIENTIST BABY!
STAND UP COMEDY: So we're going to have a car tomorrow, and I am going to find a job, I am so ready, by next week I should have a job. And I am going to start going to open mics, but get a friend to film every stand-up gig and put it on YouTube. ;)
BOLDNESS(this going to be so much fun)
And I've learned that dissociation is a serious weapon. A gift. Because I have finally learned how to dissociate CREATIVELY?
Welp, that's it boys and girls(there's o much more, but need to recharge and rest so I can work on this new level of comedic video blogging tomorrow.
And then I will reach level, *REBORN* soon ;)
CIAO!
AND REMEMBER=KEEP GOD NUMBER ONE IN YOUR LIFE=ALWAYS STAY *PLUGGED-IN*
When you're too broken and you don't want to be touched. except for by HER? Your SOUL MATE.
SHE is out there somewhere, and just maybe I need HER? and just maybe SHE needs me?
I am ALONE because I am too wounded to ever fully connect with anyone, because I am preparing for DEATH, and it is too painful to get close to anyone. It is too SAD. but I know SHE is out there somewhere here? I feel HER! But everyday it stings to be touched. Even a fist-bump, handshake, or a hug, but I do it out of LOVE.
but I feel ALIVE again for the first time
I just want HER! :(........
But I have now become WARRIOR STRONG
UNLEASHED.....
UNHINGED.....
CREATIVELY UNHINGED:
BLUR IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE
so WHAT'S WRONG?????
I'm completely INSANE
one of GOD's PSYCHOPATHS.
Because that's the insane level that I love GOD
I mean, who could possibly understand me?
The kind of LOVE that I would go to eternity of HELL for GOD
And I will have an even higher passion for my SOUL MATE.
The type of LOVE where she could kill me and it wouldn't change my LOVE for HER
The type of LOVE that is, *written in the stars*. And people don't BELIEVE this as I do
and now I had a divine spark of INSPIRATION
I'm ready to build an EMPIRE for HER
I realize that I have to conquer the world for HER.....
(that better not be porn? I saw that photo while googling, "back with a vengeance" and thought it looked colorful) I'm just ready to go WILD off the CHAIN off the MEAT RACK (British saying)I'm bout to go CUMPLETELY off the RAILS with this CREATIVITY and pursuing COMEDY and FILM and MUSIC and WRITING and LIFE DOCUMENTARY/VLOGGIN and SELF-HELP GURU and PHOTOGRAPHY and ART but I am SCATTER-BRAINED my brain/mind is a complete adhd TORNADO so here goes SOMETHING? (video blog coming soon?)
I'M BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I realize, I lost my YouTube at the end of 2014 Summer(August 29th, 2014), and the car broke down. I lost all incentive, ambition, and motivation to be creative, I went numb, and became so dead inside. Why would you have incentive to be creative when your creativity keeps getting stolen from you by the elite empire companies of creativity, not allowing you(or my mom)to exist, eat, and survive, not even allowing us peanut shells. Myspace did this to me first. Then losing over 1,100 videos=I AM BACKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH A FU(KEN VENGEANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'M ABOUT TO START WATCHING ADVENTURE TIME(I never watched it but always felt inspired by the concept of living life everyday like an adventure; perception)
I can't believe how angry I feel tonight I am in full on panic attack, but it would never show, I keep my cool because I've become TOUGH, and I go NUMB, and I go out-of-body now. I wait for the end I do not feel ALIVE I'm more in the, *After-Life*. And all I feel is DEATH This feels so HOPELESS I feel in DESPAIR This all too familiar feeling, wishing I could just make a move, if I only knew what move to make. I'm to tired to even pray :( I'm watching us all fade away AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT
No-one will ever know Cause I will never tell a soul Of this woman that I loved Of this pain that I hold I should have never fallen in love But it was out of my control And now as I try to lay me down to sleep To fall into a deep dark dream That I wish I would not awake from Because there will be no love here when I return I know I need to let go So not a soul will ever know This woman that I loved For a blink flash of the eye I felt a tiny taste of what love must feel like But I wasn't loved in return Which as wrong as that sounds, Was so right.
I WANT YOU TO CRY YOUR EYES OUT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN ALL THE TIME WHEREVER AND WHENEVER YOU CAN LET THE WORLD SEE YOUR TEARS WEAR THEM AS A HOLY BADGE OF *HONOR* CRYING HAS BECOME A PART OF MY SPIRITUAL TRAINING, I CRY AS MUCH AS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE. LAUGH AND CRY, THOSE ARE THE CONTRASTFUL OPPOSITES. EMPATHY IS THE KEY TO CONNECTING, FEEL ALL LIFE FORMS PAIN, BUT BECOME STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE IT. INCREASE YOUR PAIN THRESHOLD AND OVERCOME ALL FEAR
1. (finally ready for)40 DAYZ AND 40 NIGHTZ - SPIRITUAL REPURIFICATION 2. GOING VEGAN 3. GIVING UP CURSING(which I pretty much did, but wan'na make sure) 4. NEVER TELLING ANOTHER LIE(which I don't really do, but when you try to do this, you end up realizing that you do sometimes, you don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so you go along with something, or at the coinstar when it asks you if you ever used a coinstar before, and you press "no" just so that it'll leave you alone :D ) 5. I FINALLY GAVE UP CAFFEINE(one of the hardest things to give up, besides masturbation and lustful feelings, which brings me to a good point of being absolutely FEARLESS to speak your mind, which I just did) 6. I'M EVEN GIVING UP YAWNING(which most people are such non-believers, they feel you "have to" yawn)(no! take a nap. discipline your self, to shut off when that signal comes. I know monks don't yawn(well, really trained ones don't - their master hit them with stick) I already went 100% celibate, for a while now. which has been a harsh struggle to give up masturbation and lustful feelings, or porn music videos, or machine videos, you know? A women and a machine, or drinking cough syrup, taking herbal supplements(I've said too much)(WHEN DID THIS TURN INTO CONFESSION OF SIN?????? :( ) But giving up lust is so worth it, because what is left is *LOVE*) (so that's already out of the way)
OH BROTHER!
(how'd this turn into a comedy blog?) Well, I'm making self-help video blogs about all this stuff, but check it out, there is way more cool stuff we are doing. For a person just starting the recovery process of mental illness REHABILITATION(there is such a thing, people, believe in your self). Dual-Diagnosis(MICA-Mentally Ill/Chemically Addicted), I have overcome so much.
On my *REBIRTHDAY*(and you should give rebirthing your self on your birthday a thought. Cause you can always change.), I will make it a priority, to; 1. GET A JOB(yikes!) 2. OBSESSIVELY COMMIT TO MAKING MUSIC(I'm getting flip screen cam-corder, and music studio) 3. AND DOING HARDCORE LIFE DOCUMENTARY(again)(over 1,100 videos=check em out if you'd like) 4. GOING HATLESS(for the first time since a teenager)AND GROWING MY HAIR LIKE THIS
I think that's it?????? That actually doesn't sound that bad Now that I've written it out
VIDEO COMING SOON Oh, I'm giving up picking my fingernails. And keeping a really strict diet, because my philosophy is, "Choose your chemicals wisely" and "Consume the same chemicals on a consistent basis and it will become part of your chemistry/your DNA"=DISCIPLINE, YOU MUST!
