Human Interaction: 100% - I Made It? I Wake Up - Face The Day - Knowing That I Will Not Let Anyone Get Close To Me - Ever Again. - It Is Better Off This Way. - It Is Necessary? - And I After All The Pain I Am Ready To Face Anyone That Feels; Angry - Upset - Or Resentful Towards Me For Being The Way That I Am. - Nothing Personal - Nothing Personal, Is Right! I Don't Want Love I Don't Want Friends I Just Want To Be Left Alone When You Are So Wounded A Simple Touch Makes You Cringe When Your Heart Is So Broken The Desire For Love Destroys You When Your Mind Is Such A Tangled Web Human Interaction Only Adds To The Weave When Your Soul Is So Shattered People Only Confuse And Corrupt It Further There Is No Answer Here Except To Give This Up And Accept This Fate And I Feel RELIEF That I Can Finally Put This To Rest No Guilt No Shame No More Feeling, "What Should I Do?" What's The Right Thing To Do?" "What Would Jesus Do?" I Am Not Jesus! And I Never Could Be We All Have Our Different Crosses To Bare And What I've Been Thru And What I've Become Makes Human Connection IMPOSSIBLE This Burden Has Been Too Much To Bare I Lay It To Rest So Agonizing So MADDENING So Infuriatingly Frustrating I Could Never Escape Obligation Intrusion VIOLATION Imposition MANIPULATION Peoples Attitudes And Aggression DOUBT BAD INTENTIONS(=OUCH) PREDATORS: People Who Prey On You I Do Not Do Any Of This To Anybody, Ever. So I Notice It And By The Way - I Like The Word 'BARE' - Not 'bear', I am not a bear. I Can Finally Put This To Rest Because I Can Say, "I Don't Care What Anyone Thinks"
Today is Monday, day 6 of this psychological evaluation for possible schooling, the intelligence/brain testing way from emotional "boot-camp" therapy. I have exactly a week(7 days)till I go back to therapy, and I plan on furthering my break of letting go of all things, and mainly of letting go of this love. That maybe I don't even want love? Maybe love would be a really bad idea anyway? So I am planning on strengthening this cause, and not talking about love for the next 7 days, to go back to therapy, WARRIOR DISCIPLINED?
And after what happened this weekend, with *CHRISTINA GRIMMIE* getting killed in Orlando, Florida, and then the mass shooting/killing of 50 people at Pulse NightClub in Orlando, I do not want love, I only want to hurt evil. That is my purpose! That is what I strive for!
Yeah, I'm a little filled with *WRATH* today because of what happened in Orlando. I am more obedient and disciplined than I have ever been. And nobody wants to just cut through the red tape, cut to the raw chase, that those Muslims that kill innocent women and children, people, martyr themselves in the name OF THEIR EVIL GOD=ARE PURE EVIL! Can't we just say/vocalize the *TRUTH*. They're not of the same GOD I am of-of; Peace/Love/Forgiveness/Understanding/Acceptance/Individuality/Freedom/Safety/Prosperity/Happiness/Empathy/Sympathy/Redemption/Ascension/Eternal Life, and so much more, the positive energy is INFINITE/ETERNAL, but these evil, "DEVIL GODS" that these monster serve, must be destroyed?(I'm not saying all Muslims, I am only referring to the ones that brutally murder innocent lives, anyone that's of *LOVE* and *PEACE* and not out there set out to destroy human life)So the devil(evil)has its grip on them. Who-or-What is behind the curtains? I plan on going behind the curtains one day, and slaying ALL EVIL!
But I find happiness in my insanity :(
So I was at my 6th day psych evaluation, with 5 quarters to my name, running low on gas, worried the tire might lose air. It does that sometime. And at this place 35 miles away, they gave me this testing about all these medical illness words, with 4 multiple choices to answer if you know what the word means, and I am a severe hypochondriac, I do not like to even hear any of this stuff, and then after finishing they said I have to read over the correct answers and then take it to again to see how good my memory is. I just felt like I wanted to die. Cause with all this evil in this world, saying, "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LIVE", and all this horror. I feel life is so hopeless. I cry when i think about CHRISTINA GRIMMIE and all the other people killed by evil this passed weekend in Orlando. SO I was feeling really down and depressed on the drive home........and then i heard; THIS SONG, AND THIS GAVE ME HUGE JUMP START OF HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVIL, AND I AM GOING TO GET THE ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The truth is, *I AM SO IN LOVE!* Since the first moment I met this person, I fell for her, which is so mind-boggling? And I have no idea if she is feeling the same? And I keep thinking that I can fight this, and that I can let go, and maybe it would be doing the right thing to get over this, and I'm trying, and my heart is made of steel, but I care about this person SOOOO much, so I am at a loss of what to do, but just to stay focused on life purpose and keep on trucking forward to be the best spiritual being I can be. :3 And I can fight it, it is the right thing to do, but every time I think I let go, another wave of spiritual love rushes over me like a tsunami of *SOUL MATE LOVE?* I don't know if I'm just a complete schizo/delusional, or this one special woman is feeling the exact same spiritually psychic feeling that rushes over me; UNDENIABLY? :( The truth is, is that this love is MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, and that, that is truly love when you don't want to do anything that would effect that persons life in any negative way, I know what I am, and what I've been thru, and where I stand, and in my eyes, this person is so perfect, so beautiful, delicate, and pure, I couldn't dare get any where close to this person, but MY GOD, this persons *SOUL ENERGY* I never felt anything like this potecy is so overwhelming and overbearing in the most miraculous way. But I am STRONG as STEEL and I know I am on this suicide mission from GOD and my life is so EXTREME The truth is, I love having this person in my life, and feel so honored to be a tiny part of this persons life. And I am focused, so focused on my surrenderance and devotion to GOD. But my GOD, LOVE feels so good, and having that void filled that I have that one special woman in my life that is the most special woman on the planet to me, you know, in that way. And knowing that I've learned so much about love from the; loyal, honor, devotional love that I have for my angel mom the only person that ever loved me, I could never have a second mom, and I offer this worshipful devotion to one special woman, and I really hope one day I get to give this love to that one special person. And the title to this blog, "now that things have wind down", having 18 days away from therapy program, away from what i've called the passed 6 months as, 'emotional bootcamp', to have 18 days to sort though my being and dig really deep into my soul to really face some really intense realizations and truths, and going to schooling working out my brain and taking a vacation from the difficulty emotional roller-coaster of constant human interaction, I had to really let go of so many things, and am so on-guarded now when it comes to human interaction, I really don't even want to be touched, if not just by that one special person, but the truth is, thought letting go I ended up feeling more connected now. And after my moms birthday, and an evil devil ending the life of a perfect angel named, *CHRISTINA GRIMMIE*, I am going to KICK EVILS WORTHLESS PATHETIC WICKED ASS(one day) The truth is, this just solidified/secured me going to hell to kick evils ass, kill them all, and slay them all from existence in my deep desire to become GODS #1 evil slayer/deity, whatever suffering I have to endure, for however long to work my way up the ranks of becoming the highest possible intelligent powerful spiritual being, a TRUE force to be reckoned with showing absolutely no mercy against evil. So I go back to therapy soon, after one more week of schooling psychiatric evaluation, and I am very nervous, and very strong. I feel like I have completely changed, and feel, and look different. Life is weird, follow GOD, and *plug your self* in to GOD 24/7, and you will be understanding these words set right before you, "WELCOME TO THE RABBIT HOLE"(The Unknown) PRAISE GOD, YOU EVIL SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [And I will keep on trying to let go]
This is a two day blog. About the fifth day psych evaluation, to determine professional help and financial assistance for schooling, and job possibility. I'm fighting so hard to become completely sane and stable, and to be fully rehabilitated and cured of mental illness. To become a really responsible human being for whatever time I have left in life?
And my day, this Friday, started with another HEADACHE FROM HELL(I swear if I ever get my hands on that, "dirty devil"?). I know because I started a really elite self-help method of having one of those calendar type desk top thingy's? Keeping track of certain things in life, like my caffeine consumption, decreasing caffeine daily, my urges or temptations(which I'll get to that), seroquel I want to quit, and keeping track of my headaches, and hopefully advance this system even further, but it is comforting in a way?
And driving 35 miles to the evaluation, I was really bugging out to the music, the song -'Here I Go Again'-, by Whitesnake, was on, and I was blasting it, feeling like this guy
Driving while listening to music does make me very happy, I feel like driving off a cliff, end on a good note.
So the best part of this testing evaluation was the 'typing testing' where you have to type excerpts from various topics, and then type the paragraphs as fast and as accurately as possible, and to my surprise, typing to me(since I type so much, here)felt as if meditation as if to me I was playing a piano, I loved it so much, and kept getting 98%(expert accuracy), and 27 wpm(words per minute), 28wpm, and then on fifth try, I believe 32wpm, 100% accuracy, which went from intermediate to advanced level, and I hope to have a solid advanced level by Monday.
But when I got home, and it was Friday night, and this urge of; loneliness, boredom, hornyness, and despair came over me SO strong, but luckily it only lasted a half hour, but to realize how vulnerable I am made me feel so sad and hopeless in the bottom pits of depression, I just took a 100mg of seroquel and just laid in my dark lonely room crying on the inside not wanting to feel anything else but GODS ENERGY feeling like I just want to die.
Today is Saturday, my Angel Moms 61st Birth Day: And today's word of the day is, *DEVOTION*. But when I woke up, I felt, "I MUST FIGHT ON!", and I just wanted to make my Angel Mom happy on her birthday today, but when I walked in the living room, and my mom said that Christina Grimmie was shot and killed. I am completely numb right now, I am so sad. I feel I will never not be sad ever again because of the way this world is, I am forever sad, and I finally except this infinite sadness. I'm sad about everything, but strong enough to go on(I guess?).
But on this day, June 11th, my moms birthday, the day that a TRUE ANGEL Christina Grimmie died. There wasn't much I could do for my mom today, we're both really broke, but so weird, magically the 60 something dollars we owed the library, I called them today to see if I could work out a payment plan and explain to them that when the movies were late was when my mom was in the hospital, but they said there was no debt, so I got to take my mom to the library. We both love the library.
And I love Foreign Films, are so DEEP (I'd rather watch film, with subtitles, and get the visual with the reading.)It's a break from reality. And having not been to the library in SO long, it gave me a flashback of emotional time travel to how much I owe the library for getting me through some of my most HORRORfying times where I could barely ever leave the house for years on end.(so P.T.S.D.)HIGH ANXIETY=NO MORE
But the hardest part of this entire 18 days off so far was having to let go of the woman I fell in love with, that I fell for since the first day we met, and now I feel so cold. Unplugged from the internet, friends are probably mad or resentful towards me. It was just really RAW to let go in this process, I hate it. It's just 'Mission Impossible' to be a part of someones life. I would've done anything to be with this person, I would've done anything for her, but it was this harsh realization that it just is not possible. I had to let this go during this 18 days away from program, I had to let go of SO MUCH(i.e.; LOVE/Life/Death/People/Friends/Dreams/Desires/Expectations/Fears=EVERYTHING), AND IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! Mainly having to let go of her, and the love that I felt for her. I hate this so much. I WISH>
MY HEART WOULD POUND OUT OF MY CHEST
This gif is funny, I have to post this
Seriously, this isn't even funny - how do my blogs turn into this? When I come here to post some spiritual stuff? Am I really just that Freudian? I'm just in an insane(but stable)mood tonight, ever since starting to write this blog, because Christina Grimmie got shot and killed today, and that, -LIFE&DEATH-, is so unpredictable, you can't live your life in fear because any moment can be your last, you can't live your life trying to avoid it, and you must live to the fullest, and face all fears! So that's why I am continuing going on forward writing boldly, cause no matter who or what you are, people in this world will pick at you. You can even be personified perfect, as Jesus Christ, so do not ever live a life FAKE. This is your time, and our time is short, so reach for the stars. And I knew it was going to pour and rain on this day that she died. I mean, it POURED(for brief minutes-like mad)? But I felt when I first walked outside, "It is going to rain for her".
"But no matter what happens, through all this pain, I am going to fight on"
I fight tonight to lock in my devotion to GOD And I wish I had that special person to be devoted to and worship and treat as my GODDESS and QUEEN - but maybe one day?
This quote can be confusing at first, but she died an Angel, and has spread so much love and beauty to the world, and now for this day, and this day forward, us souls of GOD weep for her, and cry to GOD that these things really have to change. When do we get to strike back at evil and stop them from doing this?
I know that she is in Heaven now and was such an Angel I am so angry and sad that evil can hurt such an Angel
I haven't cried like this in so long Her sacrifice is powerful Because that monster just strengthened all her faith But if I could trade my life for hers I would in a heart beat
Today, the day Christina Grimmie died, June 11th 2016, My Angel Mothers Birth Day, I'm so sad, Are we meant to be in pain, all of us like this? I just want to spend time with my mom, My mom had a stroke a day before her 60th birthday last year, I just want to make my mom happy, and the horror as I watched my mom not ready to die. My angel mom has a second chance And I'm trying so hard to fight for her But I feel so powerless I have been through so much death, I believe I am ready to die, finally, burdened by this life, unburdened of death, FAITH, at age 35, it took so long to face this mortality, and I ask anyone reading this, to turn to GOD, Embrace GOD with everything you've got, face your mortality, by walking away from sin, repenting from sin, making a change, and securing your devotion and place to GOD, it took, HELL AND BACK, for me to see the light, and secure *ascension*, and I didn't really deserve to survive, and such an Angel, Christina Grimmie at age 22. Happy Birthday Mom Sorry :(..........................
Her Family Her poor brother, I can not imagine, their pain.
EVIL MAY HAVE WON TODAY, BUT NOT FOREVER
I WANT TO FIGHT FOR YOU! FOR US ALL! (*Angel In Heaven*) ONLY AN ANGEL CAN MAKE ME CRY LIKE THIS ~BLUR
I end up feeling like I need to apologize. I know I've done nothing wrong, I just went completely cold and numb in my heart in the passed couple days because I know that I can not hold on any longer, but it seems I do not have a choice. I was just really sad and torn that I can't be with someone, and having to face the painful reality that it is probably not meant to be. So the passed two days was really tough, I just wished I could've done something, or been a part of in some way? But I am a 'free spirit' A 'live and let live' soul And it is not right to harbor feelings for someone that doesn't feel mutual And it is not right in my own realm to not be mutually loved Even though there is no way it could be Anyway And even though true love takes time to blossom Everything could be said that it would be going exactly how soul mate love would formulate anyway Where two souls dance for a while And two souls entwine together ? Praying For The Day We Meet(*Soul-Mates*)?
So I am advancing on certain things? And I hate myself for being so stuck on this, this fixation, and desire, of true soul mate love, I've waited my entire life, while people just give themselves away so meaninglessly, staying so reserved as I have been, leaving LOVE in GODS hands, saying recently, "TEACH ME TRUE LOVE GOD, PLEASE". I need to be STRONG And let this go But keep it ALIVE And now college and schooling is blossoming The possibilities are ENDLESS? So I say sorry to anyone and everyone for the level of detachment - I had to fully unplug - to focus - I have the weight of hell on my back - if you know what I mean?
So, I write about love and heartbreak a lot, it seems to always weigh heavy on my SOUL onto day FIVE
LETTING GO: This 18 days away, sad to say, I've gone completely cold to human interaction. At the pique of this stem from falling in love the passed 6 months with someone that couldn't possibly love me back, anyway. So. 'Love=Pain' To me. So I had to completely let go. And I have turned completely numb to people. Because human relation has been such a struggle for so long, people just do not understand this because they refuse to let go and free them-self, unburden them-self, liberate them-self, from this complexity that only gets you in deeper, leads to further dysfunction, unless you finally, fully, let go, and detach completely from this. I had to do this, over this time. And I have unplugged from social media. And, for the passed many months, my mind was swimming with pressure of people running through my head like a 'grand-central-station', driving me, MADDENING! I had to let go of this love. And to face the facts, "she could never love me". It really just puts yourself down, when true love is mutual and unconditional, and happens uncontrollably, and magnetizingly irresistible to each other. So, was taken my self-esteem away, making me so self-conscious, and indignifying, and unconfident. I finally let go, and feel, "I DO NOT WANT LOVE!" And I hope my friends aren't mad at me? Cause that would really hurt. Because nobody can understand the path that I am on. It is a very lonely path, and that is a necessary part of walking this path. I'M FREE!
JUST ANOTHER "CRAZY" DAY?: So, on the drive 35 miles to this place, I was praying so hard, and there was almost this HUGE accident, as the cars in front of me, the third lane, tried to go to the second lane, almost hitting a car there, that swerved into the first lane, almost hitting a car that swerved off the road, almost hitting the divider. And I prayed so hard, almost in tears, thanking the angels, feeling, "GOD! I WILL ALWAYS PRAY 'SOOOOO' HARD, EVERY MINUTE - EVERY MOMENT, TO ALWAYS BE 'SOOOOO' AWARE", because a life could have ended or completely changed for the worse, right there. And then the third lane driver(I believe a woman? Long hair), pulled into a Dunkin Donuts, probably to take a moment to breathe, and THANK GOD? :(....... But then there was a crazy accident and cop cars everywhere in the pouring rain on the way home that there was these two tractor trailers one with the trailer unhinged off and the other tractor trailer truck completely flew off and broken to pieces driver must have gotten so hurt because the ambulances took everyone away and what was left was complete and utter ruin? And this song was playing on the radio(the original version, I guess?)
IT'S A NEW DAWN, IT'S A NEW DAY, AND WE HAVE *STRENGTH*, WITHIN US ALL!
