(day 5)10 DAY PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION FOR SCHOOLING: MENTAL ILLNESS RECOVERY(Must Go On)

This is a two day blog.
About the fifth day psych evaluation,
to determine professional help and financial assistance for schooling, and job possibility.
I'm fighting so hard to become completely sane and stable,
and to be fully rehabilitated and cured of mental illness.
To become a really responsible human being for whatever time I have left in life?

And my day, this Friday, started with another HEADACHE FROM HELL(I swear if I ever get my hands on that, "dirty devil"?). I know because I started a really elite self-help method of having one of those calendar type desk top thingy's? Keeping track of certain things in life, like my caffeine consumption, decreasing caffeine daily, my urges or temptations(which I'll get to that), seroquel I want to quit, and keeping track of my headaches, and hopefully advance this system even further, but it is comforting in a way?

And driving 35 miles to the evaluation, I was really bugging out to the music, the song -'Here I Go Again'-, by Whitesnake, was on, and I was blasting it, feeling like this guy

Driving while listening to music does make me very happy, I feel like driving off a cliff, end on a good note.

So the best part of this testing evaluation was the 'typing testing' where you have to type excerpts from various topics, and then type the paragraphs as fast and as accurately as possible, and to my surprise, typing to me(since I type so much, here)felt as if meditation as if to me I was playing a piano, I loved it so much, and kept getting 98%(expert accuracy), and 27 wpm(words per minute), 28wpm, and then on fifth try, I believe 32wpm, 100% accuracy, which went from intermediate to advanced level, and I hope to have a solid advanced level by Monday.

But when I got home, and it was Friday night, and this urge of; loneliness, boredom, hornyness, and despair came over me SO strong, but luckily it only lasted a half hour, but to realize how vulnerable I am made me feel so sad and hopeless in the bottom pits of depression, I just took a 100mg of seroquel and just laid in my dark lonely room crying on the inside not wanting to feel anything else but GODS ENERGY feeling like I just want to die. 

Today is Saturday, my Angel Moms 61st Birth Day: And today's word of the day is, *DEVOTION*. 
But when I woke up, I felt, "I MUST FIGHT ON!", and I just wanted to make my Angel Mom happy on her birthday today, but when I walked in the living room, and my mom said that Christina Grimmie was shot and killed. I am completely numb right now, I am so sad. I feel I will never not be sad ever again because of the way this world is, I am forever sad, and I finally except this infinite sadness. I'm sad about everything, but strong enough to go on(I guess?).

But on this day, June 11th, my moms birthday, the day that a TRUE ANGEL Christina Grimmie died. There wasn't much I could do for my mom today, we're both really broke, but so weird, magically the 60 something dollars we owed the library, I called them today to see if I could work out a payment plan and explain to them that when the movies were late was when my mom was in the hospital, but they said there was no debt, so I got to take my mom to the library.

We both love the library.

And I love Foreign Films, are so DEEP
(I'd rather watch film, with subtitles, and get the visual with the reading.)It's a break from reality. And having not been to the library in SO long, it gave me a flashback of emotional time travel to how much I owe the library for getting me through some of my most HORRORfying times where I could barely ever leave the house for years on end.(so P.T.S.D.)HIGH ANXIETY=NO MORE

But the hardest part of this entire 18 days off so far was having to let go of the woman I fell in love with, that I fell for since the first day we met, and now I feel so cold. Unplugged from the internet, friends are probably mad or resentful towards me. 
It was just really RAW to let go in this process, I hate it.
It's just 'Mission Impossible' to be a part of someones life.
I would've done anything to be with this person, I would've done anything for her, but it was this harsh realization that it just is not possible. I had to let this go during this 18 days away from program, I had to let go of SO MUCH(i.e.; LOVE/Life/Death/People/Friends/Dreams/Desires/Expectations/Fears=EVERYTHING), AND IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! Mainly having to let go of her, and the love that I felt for her. I hate this so much.
I WISH>

MY HEART WOULD POUND OUT OF MY CHEST

This gif is funny, I have to post this

Seriously, this isn't even funny - how do my blogs turn into this? When I come here to post some spiritual stuff? Am I really just that Freudian?

I'm just in an insane(but stable)mood tonight, ever since starting to write this blog, because Christina Grimmie got shot and killed today, and that, -LIFE&DEATH-, is so unpredictable, you can't live your life in fear because any moment can be your last, you can't live your life trying to avoid it, and you must live to the fullest, and face all fears! So that's why I am continuing going on forward writing boldly, cause no matter who or what you are, people in this world will pick at you. You can even be personified perfect, as Jesus Christ, so do not ever live a life FAKE. This is your time, and our time is short, so reach for the stars.

And I knew it was going to pour and rain on this day that she died. I mean, it POURED(for brief minutes-like mad)? But I felt when I first walked outside, "It is going to rain for her".

"But no matter what happens, through all this pain, I am going to fight on"

I fight tonight to lock in my devotion to GOD
And I wish I had that special person to be devoted to and worship and treat as my GODDESS and QUEEN - but maybe one day?