FALLING INTO THE SAME TRAP?(but climbing out, now)

I refuse to ever be victimized ever again,
I'm tired of predators victimizing people,
that is where all this stems from,
I could never let my guard down,
or fully trust,
THIS IS WAR!

I'm making the same mistake of getting too close to people.
I feel people starting to overwhelm me with wanting to be closer in friendship.
But absolutely nobody understands at all, and it is impossible to explain.
But one thing I know for sure, the things that I've seen, since a child, the way that my soul has been wounded, the love that I feel for humanity, the love that I have for my mom and fighting for both of our *REDEMPTIONS*, with the weight of time tearing me apart as I watch in horror as my moms life slowly slips away, and what is on my plate, and this war against evil, this drive to not stop pursuing for a single second, makes human interaction completely, IMPOSSIBLE.
And I don't want this burden to continue,
I just want complete control,
to be able to say, "BACK OFF!"
(in a nice way, maybe, "I can't, I'm sorry")

But I won't ever let anyone get close to me

Who knows what I am going to be up against; stalkers, satanists, witches, voodoo priestests?
Gangster rappers, religious nutbags?
I mean, I really need to be left alone,
and people stop overwhelming me,
but it's not anyone's fault,
no-one could possibly understand this,
and I have to get mocked on top of it.

I'd like to see anyone else carry this burden,
but that's the thing,
this is within me,
I really enjoy what I've become,
even tho it is most likely headed to sudden doom, soon?
But this is why I need all the focus,
and all the time in the world for this,
I'm sorry,
I just can't "hang out".

So I'm just really torn right now because I see myself,
not making the same mistake,
or falling into the same trap,
but maybe just dripping naturally towards getting closer to people,
but I shall not dare to let my guard down.
I felt that being soo sociable on the internet has made me a bit vulnerable again.
But if I live by, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!".
I should be ok?

And then I end up feeling a little violent,
because I get so overwhelmed,
at feeling like people are coming at me from every angle,
gunning for me,
in a way?

So I become vigilante minded,
as a form of protection, 
to understand the way that dangerous people think,
people whom; manipulate, have ill will, bad intentions, or just flat-out evil want to hurt and destroy you, possibly even want to kill you, so I sometimes fantasize and strategize just what I would do if my life was ever really threatened, and I can fall into the deepest darkest depths of fantasizing about what I would do, come evil come knocking at my door.

An inappropriate method,
I assume,
but I assure you,
an efficiently effective one,
I believe,
for future references.

And on top of all this,
I, REALLY,
REALLY,
want to hurt evil.

I have threatened Lucifer!
And there is no turning back from that,
and nor would I want to,
I am a marked man,
and if I backed out,
I would be held as a coward,
through all the ages,
and realms,
of spirit world,
and I can't have that,
so I need to be left alone,
and need to stay away from people.
I am preparing for WAR

And even tho,
I still desire SOUL MATE
i CRAVE her in my life
Just to feel her love
Is all...
Even from a far distance.

So I 'Stick To My Guns'
To live BOLD
And document the rest of my life,
No matter what,
All my crazy thoughts,
These struggles and battles within,
And striving for change,
And admitting how hard this all is,
And how tempted it is to just give up.

And just maybe one day I might just have a BAD-ASS CREW(to take over the world)