Racking my brain around how to SUCCEED and no longer be a FAILURE is nerve wracking What do I have to do, chop my dick off on camera to go viral OBSESSION isn't the word i DEMAND success :(
All I need to do is keep VENTING, and someone from a magazine or news article, or some publicist is going to discover me, you'll see!
YEAH RIGHT! That's why I guess I'm blessed(and cursed), I didn't just sit around all these years thinking someone was going to "discover" me, I put in WORK. And WRACKED my brain around in knots, head and tail spinning in the AGONY
here's to CHAOS here's to DESTRUCTION (i mean, just in this blog, with the giphy photos, not in real life, here i just want to see stuff BREAK, because of failure and being trapped i always feel i am breaking) Let's see some DESTRUCTION and FAILURE to ease our woes, together.
I've paid my dues, and if pain points mean anything, then I'll be the first TRILLIONAIRE
I sit here, unable to provide for my mom, or my own needs, feeling the mad determination boiling in my veins, me and my mom are financially crawling to a new month, three and a half days to go to foodstamps, we're hungry, and shattered, and alone, my so called "brother", don't care, he won't help, "family is not family if they let you drown", and the worst part, is that the saying isn't, "watch you drown", they care so little they don't even notice that you are drowning, =OUCH
So if FAILURE is in your LIFE. You are not ALONE. We are amongst 100's of millions of fellow human beings, feeling the FAILURE right at this very moment, that I am typing, and you are reading this. (the animals are failing too) (the insects are failing) (the plant life is failing) (even the microscopic) (and the cosmic)
Take it from me, it will probably take 100's, maybe even(in my case going on)1,000's of baby steps, being bold, and taking risks, to SUCCEED. But some people are just LUCKY? (until luck runs out?)
Let's get this PARTY started, if you are like us, the ones whom FAIL all the time, and like a BAD-ASS REBEL, we refuse to give up. We refuse to give in. We will continue to keep FAILING, till we either SUCCEED or DIE. So here is a little photo montage in HONOR of US.
I AM GOING TO FOCUS 100% ON SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i feel better=thanxxx) It is time to become a MILLIONAIRE!!!!!!!!!
I'm feeling so, clean, and clear, tonight? This is a realization I knew for a long time, but when someone just started messaging me on social media, I really couldn't even handle talking to one person. And I've seen so many people succeed on social media, and they all interact with the people that view their content, and how that doesn't make their head spin, is beyond me. I don't even know how to get out of a conversation without ripping it off like a band-aid, "I'm, OUT'A HERE!".
Is there an intelligence that comes with social ineptitude????? They saying I once found on the internet that has now seemed to vanish, the; "Anti-Social Socialite?" How does one become that? That's why I want to be, to freak people the hell out, like Andy Warhol. I sit in my dark room watching, 'ALIAS'? Feeling all, 'OPERATIVE'?
and I'm going thru CHANGES and I'm clueless as to what is HAPPENING and I pray and I pray that it is GOOD I am being a good little ANGEL not doing anything wrong... I hope that helps?
Doing my best, but I want to go viral soo bad, I am ready to go viral, but I wouldn't really message any comments, or maybe I would have too, to keep the ball rolling, but by then it won't matter, because I would have made it passed the first step, and I will be unleashed against my DREAMS, with a VENGEANCE
I want to take the proper steps forward, but here is a little tiny slice of some of the things I have to get through? "My emotional scars are so deep I feel them on the outside."
I got no motivation, I got to force it, to where I feel so mad bulging out the eyes, it is no surprise that my silver-lining fine-line has died?
I feel so ugly I don't even want to be around people any more.
I feel that, no matter what I do, it's never enough, so why do anything then?
I can't face my self, but I am trying.
I need to legitimately clean my self up, but through the eyes of others, I see my ugly, but when I'm alone I feel beautiful, even if I'm ugly.
It's seems I've lost even more of my SPARK -, how that happens, "I don't know :( "
If you feel like me you understand;
INSECURE
LOW SELF-ESTEEM (weak) (unintelligent) (and so much more i'm too tired to think)
Based on being not able to obtain what you need to survive;
FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE?: Money (you know it's sad but true)
, and, Now I have to make a decision; (1)to be a rebel and just disappear into my loneliness, or(2)keep trying to be around people?
I'm hidden away in a dark room. In a dark place. Lonely and Cold. Frozen in my emotions and shivering in my spine. I can't take this world any more.
This world seems UGLY?
What am I seeing? :(........
Am I just seeing an inverse refection of self, outwardly exuding onto this world I can't even see any beauty any more, I just feel HIDEOUS?
(I DON'T EVEN HAVE INTERNET FRIENDS!!! :( ) My life looks over, and I don't want to play this game any more.
So I will just give in, stay away from people, and be whatever I am. And if I do ever make it passed the first step in this cruel world, WATCH OUT WORLD, i will WREAK HAVOC, I SWEAR TO *GOD*.
I know that I am not ugly, but this world makes me feel so, as even family hurts me. People just hurt me.
And another thing that makes me feel so ugly, is that I can not stand the beauty of a woman. The beauty of a woman, GOD's most beautiful creation, as it seems I am not allowed to have love, so I live my life with a shattered heart, and a crushed soul by the waves of beauty bouncing off of my imperfections, always reminding my of what I lack, but even if I didn't lack, I would be most likely wanted for superficial reasons(money/fame), feeling so grotesque, I am a Frankenstein in my own right, and I accept that fate.
I try to express my pain today, it just feels worse. I feel I need to vanish now, I can't take any more. Life is so painful, you need a miracle, and no one cares.
But the truth is, 'We Are Not Ugly' - Anybody that feels ugly, like I do, we know that it is a reflection of the world, that whatever the reason, we do not fit in, and me, I'm just traumatized by this world to the maximum. It's so hard to heal when people keep hurting you. And you hurt your self.
