I have lost the desire to ever have love in this lifetime. Even the desire for love is too much work. The burden has been lifted. I am finally truly free, and can fully focus on defeating Lucifer.
Because, falling in love. forming feelings for someone. is too much work. making me realize that truly having mutual love must take everything you've got. so here I am at another fork in the road, with the decision of what road to take, but it seems I always know the answer. I am suppose to walk a lonely road, and sacrifice all human desires from my life; LOVE.
THE LAST DISSOCIATION?
I'm trying to talk more deeply about what's really going on, instead of the madness of, "What the hell is he talking about?". But, I have recently been in love for the passed couple months, but I realize that this love is practically mission impossible type of love, with someone completely unavailable and completely unattainable out of reach, the chances of our love ever being is completely unlikely. There's just something really wrong with me, but what is really wrong with me, is so right.
Maybe I've overcome the biggest human temptation of them all; LOVE?
To be LOVED
To be in LOVE
Maybe this is the main fork in the road?
Maybe this is the two sided decision that has been in the way of EVERYTHING?
Maybe this unlocks the KEY?
The key of true FREEDOM?
I don't have to worry anymore about 'what I look like', self conscious about 'I'm not good enough', or trying so hard 'to make an impression' putting so much energy into 'searching for my soul mate' praying endlessly, morning and night for 'true love', it's exhausting.
"For that is the hardest temptation. I desired her more than anything in the universe. If I could choose one thing, it would be her."
And who knows, maybe one day I will meet, 'a freak like me', somebody who truly understands?
Cause true love is irresistible in the sense, that you can not resist it because it is meant to be, it will hit your life like a lightning bolt, you can't avoid or run from, it is inevitable; destiny, kismet, fate.
I yet to meet anybody that feels that way about me. And you can't pretend that. The feeling has to be mutual. Or there is no connection.
THE LAST DISSOCIATION?
Dissociation to me is a 'complete break from an excruciatingly agonizing reality'.
LOVE/FEAR/DEATH/PAIN/LOSS seem to be at the forefront of distracted worry, of pure freedom, vulnerable.
How do I explain this one??????????
Yesterday, the word "FUN" hit my brain like a freight train carrying tons of bricks?
It's a complete psychotic reprogramming of the mind,
to label everything in existence, as, "FUN".
I knew my psychology would end up like The Joker?
I recently have felt threatened, and I blew it way out of proportion, and waisted a lot of time fixated on this possible threat, but almost three weeks later, nothing even happened, I caused so much stress hormones in my body, so much unnecessary tension, that I finally completely mentally broke, and ended up in a complete dissociation from reality, but for the passed couple months I had this weird phrasing of an idea floating around in my head obsessively, about this golden moment I call, "THE LAST DISSOCIATION" where I completely break from this false human reality. And I finally have!
Nobody, or nothing is taking my fun away ever again, I am now a complete psychopath, because this physical human existence is so short, then we break out of these ridiculously temporary human machines, there is absolutely no point in fearing anything in this realm, it's just a short matter of time until we are gone. And I refuse to be unhappy. So, why this is so psychotic, is that I am making a choice to have "FUN" thru this entire process, I don't care if body parts are flying all over the place, in the back of my mind, I will be enjoying every minute of my existence, I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a really psychotic level of reprogramming dissociation as a way to protect my self, no more pain or misery because I now will enjoy pain and misery, I'm basically making my self untouchable to this ridiculous human realm of fear mongering pollution.
WHERE IT ALL BEGAN?(A TIME WHERE THE 2ND BREAK BEGAN?)(The First Break From Reality: Was when I had my fingers slammed in three car doors, third time hand in a cast at the hospital parking lot, a couple cabinet doors, a rusty yellow refrigerator door, finger bloody as hell, aunt ran my finger under the faucet water, age 5, my hands never stopped sweating since then, picked on, bullied, and abused, I was born to never fit in.)(The Second Break: Was at age 17 when I committed suicide and was pronounced dead in my moms arms, I came back alive, I lost my soul for eight years like I was away at some spiritual training, readying my soul as *REBORN BLUR* for a mission like no other?)
But the word fun is an odd word, alien like that it doesn't fit the normal criteria of an emotion, it stands out as what a pure child that is born into this world, what do they want to do, "HAVE FUN", they are not concerned with the promoted misery in this false existence, "FUN" defined as, 'Having a good TIME', time standing out as on this physical world plane as time doesn't exist in the eternal realms, you see, words and language is seen to me as mathematics, I can see when something really stands out as odd, and the way of manifestation is that this word has now formulated into my brain as a sick form of manifesting an infinite happiness of CHOICE to never be unhappy, which to the human constrained mind would make me completely insane, but it is not me that is insane, it is you that holds onto this false existence, without the ability to just *let go* and fully exist infinite in all you GOD DIVINE total glory.
IT ENDS TODAY - I AM FINALLY *FREE*
NO MORE RUNNING - BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO RUN FROM - I AWAIT MY DEPARTURE
No comments:
Post a Comment