BLURZ REBORN: I NEED TO STAND ALONE!

Nobody understands this one, that people are the main source of my agony, that I always feel owned by people, that I can never truly be free to be my self fully, there's all this restraint and resistance that I can't stand to bare. Even right now as I write this my main worry is people, that I can't stand to even face people at the moment, I'm so stressed right now about being around people, it's such a distraction away from what I know needs to be done? I feel I am not allowed to say, "I need time - Time to be left alone". I'm not allowed?

How do I walk away, and stay at the same time?

Do I just walk away in my head?

Do I just need time to figure this all out?

I JUST WANT TO HIDE FROM THE WORLD

I'm trying real hard to express my self here, and even that's not working out so well.

I don't want to talk about it, I just need it to be fixed.

I'm alone!
And I can't fucken STAND IT!
And then someone reading will think, "Awe, you don't have to be alone, I'll be with you", they don't get it, there is only one person in the world that would fit, and I can't find that person, it is not a choice just to choose somebody so that you are not alone, that would only make things more complicated.

I have to face this.
And I want so bad to be away from everybody, but it appears that I am TRAPPED.
And as much as I love and care about my friends, I feel so overwhelmed with the fact that I need time away, but nobody would understand that.

(it's really hard to accept that you can never have love)
I NEED TO FIND AN ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

What are my options for escape??????
Substance/Drugs: Oh, HELL NO!
Exercise/Weightlifting: That just drains energy that I can't afford to begin with.
What about just being so insane that I am fully focused on having fun and laughing?(I wish it was that easy)
GOD?: Is exhausting to get close to, I never feel good enough?

There is no answer to this, is there?
There is no escape,
I feel I keep digging a deeper hole.

Woooooooo, that felt RAW?
I guess I am expressing my self properly.
Really what has messed me up was falling in love.
Realizing that it could never be, I just want this burden lifted.
And also with friendship, realizing how complicated my past and my path really is?
It's just all too complicated, I'm going to have to make a move of completely isolated detachment?
To be the 'lonely one in the crowd'.
Vicious Lone-Wolf Ready To Attack(BITE).
Just keep your distance.
We'll see how that works out?

I can't breathe, I am suffocating.
I want to say goodbye to this life

I recently had this weird analogy of two types of people?
I am this one type of person that is always trying to do what I feel that I should do, which never works out for me, and keeps me in a state of misery, and if I just did what I wanted to do, I would be happy and free because what I want to do doesn't hurt anybody. Actually what I want to do, has to also do with helping people.
But you have this opposite person, that the things that they really want to do in life, really hurts people, so they need to stick with what they should be doing, because what they want to do, that they keep doing, isn't working for them because they are hurting people, and we all know that backfires.

An even bigger question, is, "How do you leave love in GOD's hands when there is already someone in your life that you desire more than anything in the universe?"
It is SO TOUGH

It is so heart breaking, my heart feels MURDERED
My heart is shattered to RUIN
this has KILLED my heart
I never want to feel again

I'm so sick of this, this is the worst mental break I've ever had, because I am realizing that there is absolutely no solution. Because I have always been alone, I want to be left alone. There's no way to sugarcoat that madness.