LOST CAUSE: I'm Still Insane and Hopeless? :(

I don't know exactly what's wrong with me?
And as I feel completely lost and hopeless,
unable to express exactly what is going on inside,
to make sense of it all,
I feel like just,
letting go, giving in, and, giving up.

I'm always trying so hard to, CHANGE.

And I've also have formed love feelings for someone again that I know there is just no way she is going to feel the same way about me, back. There is just no way.

I'm hooked on caffeine and spiraling out of control.

I'm at an intensive mental illness recovery program, 5 days a week, 6 hours a day, and yesterday I almost fell right back into my psychological cycle of telling my self that I need to pull my disappearing ghost act that I always pull, where I disappear like a ghost on everybody in my life=POOF!!! I'M GONE!!! Just like that. I tell my self that people are bad for me, I disappear, hide from the world, and completely withdraw and isolate from all human interaction. And this is what my mind did to me yesterday. It told me that this is what I "NEED" to do. I disappear from everyone, and from society, to focus all my attention on creativity, but I would fall right back into severe isolation, unable to get a job, nothing to do with my time, absolutely no friends, no progress on my own?

I've been doing this 'ghost disappearing act' for over a decade.
When things get hard socially, I just completely pull the rug out.

What hurt the most yesterday was seeing two people from the program getting made fun of. People rolling their eyes and saying some really mean stuff.
These two people are two of the most sweetest people I know. To be so persecuted and crucified for them being themselves and doing the best they can in life, made me so unbearably depressed, feeling, "Is this how people feel about me?" - "Me being my self?" - "Do people hate me like this?" - This hurt so bad.

Everyone will pass by each others shoes...

One day we will all feel each others shoes...

So be careful how you feel about people.

I realize that, -STRENGTH-and-POWER-, is necessary.
Give me the lead and I will be the leader that makes sure everyone gets a piece of the pie.

"Let the transformation begin." ~ BLUR