so heart broken

i dont want to ever feel this pain again
its too much
i don't even know how to deal with it
it hurts so bad
love feels like a mistake to ever try
i don't even know how to express properly
time will take this away
people have been my main source of pain
even a sprinkle of human interaction sometimes is to much to bare
i want out
but i want in
i want love more than anything
and GOD knows that
but the pain
i cant believe how sad one can become
i just wanted this person in my life
the realization that this person doesnt care
shattered me
and its really that i took a hammer to my glass self
because i knew this was the outcome
but i still fell for her anyway
and the fantasy was so potent
and tranceful 
and now it has completely vanished
and i couldnt hold on
but this person had to do it
and i understand
but its me that has to learn to never crave that love
ever again
i just want to lift weights and punish my self
and lay in a pitch black room
frozen in the air conditioner
hugging and gripping
burying my face into the pillows
and im going to
am i a glutton for punishment 

?

sad as HELL

I was up

Then I feel into a, deep, dark, sad sleep

I couldn't get out of bed

And in my dream I saw you

And in my dream it seemed you weren't maybe upset with me?

I don't even know what I did anymore, I just tried to love

Then I saved a spider in my dream

And then that spider chased me and bit me on the hand

And then I just woke up

I feel so horrible

I don't ever want to feel like this again

I can't just ever care about someone and have them in my life

I have to lose everyone; family, friends, etc.

I'm too beat up to ever feel anything ever again

It feels

Where's all my strength

Cause it all just dissipated 

My life-force went down the drain

My candle just burnt out

My bridge just collapsed
My knees are weak
And my shattered lost soul quivers  

I just want to hibernate from people

Forever

In my lonely cave

Come out to gather what I need because I have no choice my time is not up yet

But my will is being stripped away

Emotions have become my enemy

But to not have emotions

I refuse to be their empty shell

I will not let the world do that to me

Love is murder

Because my heart was just killed

FANTASY LAND

The Story Line: Is That I Will Find LOVE
And We Will Make Each Other Laugh Hysterically
We Will Be Perfect For Each Other
And Be Meant To Be
No More Being Treated Like Dirt
Ever
I Am Taking Control Of My LIFE

I'M MANIFESTING!
HARD!
You don't want anything to do with me
FINE!

It's time to move on
AGAIN
False LOVE has come knocking on my door
NOooooooo!
I have come knocking on the door of false LOVE
What is wrong with me?
It hardens you
Further in to a dissociated you
More EXTREME
More RADICAL

My life has always been like a FANTASY LAND
And I figure,
Why can't it not be AGAIN?

I am going to find that one special woman,
that's weird like me!
That's a freak like me!
"Find that person that can make each other laugh hysterical",
they say.
I am never, ever, ever, subjecting my self to be treated that I am not good enough or worthy, ever, ever, AGAIN.
I'm going after IT ALL!

I have so much to offer, nobody has any idea.
And this door does not open TWICE
If you want a mediocre life, then have it, its all yours.
And I know what's happened here?
Is that this was all just one HUGE delusion on my part, sad to say.
Just an insane schizophrenic I guess,
To think this person actually cared about me,
What was I thinking?

And the sad truth is,
Some women just really hate men,
And this is what this world has come too.
And I don't blame'em,
look at history,
this mans world of abuse, and control,
and aggression,
and slavery over women.
I resent men too.
I resent being a man sometimes.
(i have my reasons, stemming from family, and the history of the world, and today)

Now let's move on to the FANTASY LAND we are going to build, shall we.

1st Step: Become Rich/Famous Millionaire

Laughter is the best medicine: And I will find that one special woman on this planet that we make each other laugh HYSTERICALLY
No more being treated like dirt that I am just not even worthy to even be cared about?

I am going to accomplish EVERY DREAM
A life of ADVENTURE
And make sure she has all her WILDEST DREAMS come true
I am taking control of my LIFE
I WANT IT ALL
"thank you for the pain, it made me raise my game" ~ Jessie J
I am going to be a, 'CONQUEROR!'

I just really can't have a person in my life that I care about.
I must really have a lot of work to do on my self.
I do really feel mistreated.
All I did was try to show someone that I care.
And it backfired.
And i lost this person from my life.
And it hurt like HELL.
NO MORE!
NEVER AGAIN!
No more lack of self-respect
No more being treated unworthy
Cause if someone cared
None of these human barriers would stand in the way
They would at least show that they care about you
Not really hurt your feelings
It felt so sad
This harsh reality
That this person really never cared at all
But I cared way too much about this person
To be torn to shreds 

And when I find that one special woman that is more special than any woman in the Universe=We will celebrate SUCCESS together, for the whole world to see our LOVE

No more playing games with life.
I will focus entirely on moving forward.
And I will keep my eyes and ears peeled for that special woman that can make me laugh hysterically.And we will become rich and famous millionaires together.
And hold this world hostage as our oyster.
And travel the world.
And conquer our wildest dreams together.
And run wild and free.
Pure/True liberated human beings.
Built our own FANTASY LAND

That really is a KEY to LOVE
That they say
Find that one special person that makes you laugh so hard it hurts
And never let that person go
So I realize
I have not found that person
But one day I will
I trust GOD knows how bad I want LOVE more than ANYTHING
You couldn't've handled my LOVE anyway
But someone one day will be so special to me and walk thru that door
And who knows
Maybe you did care
But was too much of a puss to show me a morsel of a crumb that you care about me at all?
And now it's over

I know how INSANE all this is
That's the POINT

I plan on being LIBERATED in four days on the Fourth Of July
No more ever letting anybody treat me bad.
100% Lone-Wolf
Looking for his GODDESS 

What if?
it's more about LAUGHTER than LOVE
but LAUGHTER becomes true LOVE?
(find that person that you both make each other laugh like CRAZY and you both found, 'The One'.)

I guess I just really feel HURT
but I'm so much STRONGER
than ever before
so it doesn't hurt so BAD?
it just drives me to do better 
?
So what that I am ALONE :(
For now?
I am MANIFESTING
My own FANTASY LAND
with GOD
A LONELY BOY
Looking for his PRINCESS 
To make her a QUEEN

And in the END
I will have it ALL
This has just hurt so bad I don't even know what to do with my pain anymore, except, write. And all's I wanted was this person in my life, and somehow I ruined that, but maybe I guess I need to see the truth that this person just doesn't care anyway.
This has just fueled the fire of determination.
No more sorries.
No more feeling that I did something wrong.
To treat me like I'm some creep or something, really hurt.
BLUR
(I want it all - And I will have it all - This is what happens to some people when the world only shows them PAIN)

LET THE FUN BEGIN!

OUCHhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Holy cow, that really hurt? I can't ever care about anyone ever again. Love really STINGS. I can deal with not having love ever, but to feel that and then lose that person is too much. I can't ever go thru this ever again. Life is ridiculous, and I just want to die because life's pain is never ending, and there is no hope for me. I don't want to feel this type of pain ever again, I just wanted this person in my life, and that's human life, that is freedom, if someone doesn't care about you, there is nothing you can do, but my plea is for anyone that should be listening that sometimes it is better to be alone. Some of us just aren't meant to ever have any type of love, we're meant to just walk this lonely road to the end and I am telling you that that is ok.

But at least I know the truth that the one thing I can never have is love

"Dominant Emotions"

WRATH is my dominant emotion
NOoooooooo!
LOVE is my dominant emotion...,
...
, but i can't have LOVE,
and that's ok.(but maybe one day I'll find my freak?)

it drives me up a wall

that i can't have LOVE

and WRATH i just shouldn't have

WRATH and LOVE are both magnets pulling me apart in both directions.
One pulling me to fight the devil head on,
and LOVE pulling me to taste GOD's Wonderful Miraculous Creation called, 'Human LOVE'.
Which one would prevail?
One makes me soft, weak, and vulnerable/
/The other, a WARRIOR OF GOD?
The possibilities are endless
But I realize the one true truth;
"I AM CONFUSED"

(poem from therapy journal group, with BLUR)

LOVE

LOVE

I realized that I do not want LOVE
That LOVE is good for everybody else
But not for me.
LOVE just tears me apart.
Everybody is wounded in different ways
I don't even think I could ever be touched
I'm in agony.
And I am feeling very foolish
That I fell in LOVE
With someone unavailable 
And that couldn't possibly LOVE me
Someone that we could never be together
And I was blind to this
And didn't realize how stupid I was.
How in the wrong I was.
And I hope I didn't make this person uncomfortable in any way
I don't know
And I'll probably never know?
And it hurts
And I am numb
But it ends now
And I will never do this again.

LOVE

PARTY ANIMAL BLUR!

Just wish I had that one special person to conquer the world with, :(
Together to make both of our wildest dreams to come true,
And have so much fun together,
And the world would be our oyster.
Us Vs The World! ;)

I seen my family,
And I love them,
And they love me,
And I am back in action,
Full force,
Like never before,
No Holds Barred,
In Rebirth,
Close to *Reborn*
And *Redemption*

Got to hang out with some really cool animals,
A really cool kittie named Oreo,
And a really cool doggie named Buddy

So this is,
"ALL OUT WAR",
To succeed,
And become 'Rich & Famous',
So I can save my moms life and give her the life she never had,
A house,
And a doggie,
And take my mom to Israel,
And have a voice in this CRAZY WORLD.
So let's get this party(adventure)started,
Shall we?
(Us Vs The World?)
(The World Is Ours?)

The plan is to become completely LIBERATED
Not imprisoned by TIME
Or MONEY
Because we will be filthy rich BABY
And we will RULE this world BABY
I am going to KICK this worlds ASS
BABY
And we will ride into spiritual ROYALTY
TOGETHER
KING & QUEEN ;)
Every day will be a BLAST
Never doing the same things
Reaching/Breaching higher levels,
Constantly ;)
Your Knight In Shining Armor.
One Human Life,
Live it to the fullest,
Not by these human rules of constraints.
=I've had it!

Life will be so much FUN
And such a FANTASY
And so SURREAL
We will build Our own WORLD
I will take you OUT OF THIS WORLD,
BABY!
To New Heights

Even though I felt so low,
That I'm the only one with no money or a job,
Me and my mom,
The poor people of the gathering,
The ones that don't even have a dollar to partake in the games,
(I had one dollar=one game).
And one day I will pull up in a Lamborghini,
And the truth of how this world treats you terrible,
When you are a nobody,
But add some Fame & Fortune,
All of a sudden you are interesting,
Like Spencer Reid from Criminal minds said;
"The difference between insanity and genius is success.",
And that is UNACCEPTABLE.
I will document how people treat you different.
(Lone-Wolf=Unite)

I want to travel the world,
From Tibet,
To London Bridge,
Thru Scandinavia,
And my Dutch Country; Holland,
Thru The Castles Of Ireland, BABY,
Anywhere and Everywhere on this Planet Earth ;)
Be UNSTOPPABLE

(oh my GAWD the 2nd one down looks like us? Which second one down, tho?) ;)
(ha I had to post this sausage party gif I thought was funny)

TIME TO KICK THIS WORLDS ASS
BLUR STYLE