"My hurt was drowning me. But a formless lullaby, saved me. For a moment. Moments slip away, like evaporated mist in the wind. You try to catch a glimpse of her beauty, but she slips away. You were the most beautiful, woman I ever seen, but I was Frankenstein. And a vacuum in my vortexed heart, sucked me into infinite drizzle of raining down sadness. I couldn't grasp a single fragment of a scent of your sweet essence being, wishing I was merked in this murk. I can't stand to stand, I'm falling to my knees, raw, bare, bloody, crying, pains unending, my own worst enemy, I walk away into the dark realms of nothingness, ALONE, because I could never bare to ever feel love, ever again; If you love her, then you let her go. If only letting it out, helped heal."
I have to sedate my self right now. Because I have to call and cancel my medicaid cabs, that I am leaving my program. The woman that I fell in love with doesn't care about me at all(OUCH), and, this was a person I once believed, believed in me? And found me interesting? But that all fell apart, so quick. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated. My emotions have broken, I now am unable to feel anything, for anyone, no connection, to anybody, I feel so unwelcome now, I can not face anybody, I have to leave, and I must be STRONG :(
"SEDATE?(Poem)" "I can't even write anymore. I can't even express. That has been taken from me. Robbed of me. Dignity and Confidence: STOLEN Why would you give your heart to somebody? We need our hearts. A poisonous cauliflower, poisoned me. I've lost all emotions, in the potions of emotions oceans. Flickering waves drowning my sorrows, for days, not knowing where I am? How did I let people drift me so far? I can't find my self. And as people are kryptonite, I still have trouble walking away? Seroquel down the hatch, I don't want to FEEL. I'm numb as a zombie that eats its own brains. I'm dead inside! I dread this ride, I want to get off, STUCK. Sedated and Fucked. Unlucky in love, and I keep pressing my luck, a four-leaf clover couldn't save me, and the pot of gold is a facade, where rainbows turn bleak and black, as night cripples me, I want to crawl in the dirt with the worms, where love doesn't exist."
As bi-polar as I am, I decided at the end of this blog that I will try to go to therapy, see where I stand?
I feel like I wish I was dead, but just cause I feel that, doesn't mean I mean it.
But, I never, ever, want to feel love, ever, again.
Confidence Rising: My dreams. My dreamland. Dream-Chasing! Dreaming BIG! Going after it, and, staying away from people, finally. I am, 'hook, line, and sinkered'. Locked-and-Loaded! If being outgoing, and being outspoken, around people, causes so much conflict and friction, then to hell with it, I don't want to be around people then. I will never TRUST, again! I am closing in on success. To go viral, become rich and famous, travel the world living the life most people can't even fathom, or imagine living, and this love, has to end now if you don't want anything to do with me, cause I can not hold on any longer to someone who is not even reaching for me :( I'll stand ALONE, now TO HELL WITH IT - LET IT RIP I WILL MANIFEST THIS EVEN IF I END UP ALONE IN A CASTLE, WITHOUT A QUEEN. I AM GOING TO HAVE A CASTLE!
Confidence Rising(Round Two): And after I go viral, and I get 40,000$'s in my hands, I will use 20,000 to start my travel documentary of REDEMPTION, where I see all of, Long Island, and New York(cause I'm a tourist in my own backyard), and the tourism/travel market is POTENT. Videos like that(comedy videos), can be seen globally by people from other countries that want to visit New York :D Then with the other 20,000, I will rent out an office, with two rooms and a garage, as a shirt business, and use the garage as a film/music studio, and get this, 'mental illness' funding site going, where people can donate to the people I know that have mental illness, and this website will be set up like facebook, where the people I know can have their own profile(a social site for us), and I will sit down with my friends, to help them come up with their own ideas for a shirt, and whatever their shirts sell, or get donated to them, they get all that money. And the way this works, is, after going viral, you have the web traffic, so this will all promote and market itself=BOOYAH=GENIUS=IN THE MAKING!!!!!!!!!(Step 1)soon I will have a million dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dignity Stolen: People are my main source of pain. If you are like me in this way, maybe you understand a little bit? This is not by choice, at all. This is out of my control, that around ALL people, anybody, is agonizing for me. Maybe I'm just THAT broken? Wounded. Shattered. Fragile. Sensitive. But I don't know. I've met people so sensitive, I look tough as Rambo. Falling in LOVE. Desiring LOVE. And being so lonely all these years, has definitely robbed me of my dignity. Any woman that I ever have any interest, or connection to in that way, wants absolutely nothing to do with me, and this makes me feel so pathetic, because I should have never been even desiring love all these years, I should have really let go of this, 'true love' 'soul mate' obsession, being so lonely, this has robbed me of all confidence. Have I finally learned the lesson. To just stay the hell away from people. Friends you try to make, turn their back on you, just because you can't devote all your time and energy to them, they have no idea what it feels like, to not, 'shouldn't even be alive' 'I am on borrowed time', to have that weight of time, and pressure from faith, and life missions, driving you MAD in the head, you just want to start conquering these missions, but you can't even get passed the hardest step..., the first step. This heart break I am going thru right now, you have no idea how bad I just want to hug this person, but probably never will get to.(this part of this blog feels so unconfident-I don't think that love is even good for me. this world is a real heart breaker, so why not just build my own fantasy/reality away from this dread and pain) OVERWHELMING!
Dignity Stolen(Part Two): I put so much time and energy into people, for nothing, and that, can not be avoided knowing this harsh truth. It was all for nothing, most people turned their backs on me anyway. it was all for nothing, well, the opposite, I have a whole entire bunch of new wounds and battle scars now, and the truth, most people can't even stand me anyway, real nice when my motives and intentions are to become a millionaire to take care of those people that have been hating on me. That's real nice! Good people. I' M JUST, DONE - WITH PEOPLE!
