BLURZ REBORN: The 4th Of July - 2016

I write and post stuff, this deep, dark, disturbing, grim, bleak, harrowing, and haunting, because it soothes my pain, relieves the pressure a little bit to let it out(this is my therapy). This is how much agony I feel everyday. I don't have some sick fetish with suicide. I don't have some sick fantasy. I committed suicide once and was pronounced dead, in my moms arms, came back to life, the power of *A MOTHERS PRAYER* and felt like I lost my soul for eight years. But when I look up certain stuff on the internet, I keep coming across suicidal things, and the truth is, it soothes me. Gives me a kind of comfort?(that maybe this pain will be over one day, I guess?)

Confused: About everything.
I can't seem to ever make it passed the first step, no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I fight.
They say the first step is the hardest?

It's hard to even feel anymore, but I feel soo much(too much), but I dissociate and go 'out of body' 24/7, I can not get grounded at all, because I associate life with pain and suffering, cause the pain never stopped since I was age 17, it's been relentless. It's like I'm floating the pain is so immense :(

I would say that I am not suicidal, even tho I plan on purposely sending my self to hell on my 55th birthday by killing my self, but I have 19 years, 9 months and about 3(to 10)days, give or take, but if you believe in the possibility that you go to hell if you commit suicide, you can totally adapt to the pain in this realm, this; physical/mental/emotional/spiritual pain, you will increase your pain threshold, but you have to hold on.(a REALLY crummy pep talk)

And I want something I could never have; LOVE
And that hurts the most.
I'm too complicated.
I'm soo shattered/broken/battered and bruised/wounded beyond repair, incompatible with anybody, so I live my life completely alone holding on to false hope. It's hard to even see being alive much longer, my life has been encircled and enswarmed by death. It makes it feel impossible to ever be redeemed but I keep fighting anyway.

", and the weight of time wears heavy on my mind like the dripping sand of an hourglass swinging by an ever tearing thread of a pendulum."

But the only thing I know how to do, is fight harder, praying and hoping, for a complete and utter miracle of GOD?

People say they understand, but their actions say they don't? We are all wounded in different ways. When you are wounded this way, it makes you want to stay away from all people, cause all you see is the hurt and the pain.