,...picking up the pieces of my shattered self,...

I don't know how to get better.
And I don't know why I can't stop destroying my self.

I can't fight any more.
Fighting seems to just make this worse.

I want to cry - I feel numbness.
I can't feel any sadder - I can't dip any lower emotionally.

I need to be alone - but loneliness is a killer - I can't win this battle.
I am suffocating. I am drowning. What do I do.

I can't handle any more. I need to retreat. 
When you're this wounded, even the slightest touch can collapse me.

TRAUMA
People have no idea how deep my wounds go.

I can't believe I'm back at this place.
The pain of falling in love.

I can't believe how bad it could hurt.
Will I ever learn.

I don't think blogging can help me any more.
I think my hurt is too deep to be soothed. 

I think I might start video blogging full time again.
To try to pick up the pieces of my shattered self.

To have something to call my own.
Where everyone just believes I am going to fail.

I could go for a good horror movie right now.
At the movie theater. Make my life look better, cause these problems are really all in my head.

Is life really that bad.
Or am I blessed with what I got, I'm just so depressed.

How did I fall so far.
Why can't I pull my self back up.

I don't wont to drown my sorrows in caffeine. I don't want to drown my sorrows at all.
I want to let my sorrows surface. And face them all.

Can I begin the healing process.
Is that finally possible.

Holy cow, this pain is unbearable.
You are not alone.

I think I'm at the edge of that pain where any higher pain, you'd kill your self.
I feel close to that mad level pain.

All I want now is to tell that person that I am sorry for falling in love with you.
Please forgive me. I will let this go. And overcome this.

I'm so sorry.

Just a sad melody to try to ease my woes.
But I'm stir crazy.

My only friend right now is seroquel. And that's sad.
I can't even say GOD is my friend, this might be the saddest thing I ever said. And I try to blog thru this pain that maybe some day someone who is going thru this pain feeling alone may find these writings and maybe it will soothe you and make you know that you are not alone that none of us are really ever alone with our pains somewhere in the world someone is feeling the same and you know that and you can maybe pray.

I'm feeling SORRY

man it hurts